Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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