now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Randomize
