We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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