Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
