u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Randomize
