my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Randomize
