Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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