Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize