It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
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