It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Randomize
