You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
