I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
