so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Randomize
