God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize