Kareoke will never be a sober sport
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
