HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
