I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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