She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
