he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
