I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
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