There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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