Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
