good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I was not drunk enough for that final.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
