I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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