i just wanna soil my oats bro
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Randomize
