Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
