I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
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