Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
My balls are so social today.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
