Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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