I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
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