I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
