im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Randomize
