I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
