My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
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