dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
