They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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