I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
my shit smells like andre
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
that is very illegal...i love you.
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