I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
