I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
