i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
