If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Randomize
