Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
