Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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