He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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