Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
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