the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
