you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
