I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Someone came in the potted fern
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
you made out with another girl for some wings
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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