I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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