"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
